I haven't been this sober since birth.
Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.
The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.
You passed out in the bathroom with the door locked. Had to take a shit in your litter box. Don't worry, your cat buried it for me.
She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.
We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball
And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity
Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.
just got booed by the entire restaurant.
I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.
She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever
I think one of your friend's offered my friend chicken tenders back at his place...just FYI he should probably come up w/ another line
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
It involves me, my best friend, and a stripper and her mother.
He’s 48, has a Prince Albert piercing and a white Range Rover
I'm pretty sure she tried to draw a self portrait out of her vomit. Then you tried to help, but passed out in the vomit.
Randomize
