I like how you refer to peeing in the car as "super cute"
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
is it bad that i regret hanging out with a girl tonight because that means i have less time to sit on youtube watching xmen cartoons?
Using manwich sauce as ketchup. Not bad. Love college.
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My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.
In line at the grocery store. The girl ahead of me is in a wetsuit and just bought 3 cases of beer and a bottle of vodka. I want to go where she's going...
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
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Every minute you wait for the sex that's not gonna happen, we're missing a tone deaf, drunk, tard-asaurus rex half-sing a 90's song to a bunch of other dinotards at karaoke.
My day in three words: secret purse cake
I'm wearing sunglasses around my house. Douchebag status. The hangover is real.
IF I CANT STRIP TO SANTA BABY THEN WHY EVEN HAVE CHRISTMAS.
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
While I was giving him head he told me he had to go door to door the next day and "spread the word of Jesus Christ" I felt like a Disney villain out to steal his virtue.
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