After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
Mike is offhisass drunk and just sat down next to my sister and said "If you gained 30 pounds and stopped reading poetry, I would be attracted to you. Now, your little sister, attractive, even though she's basically the same person as you- she just pulls it off better because she's 15."
last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'
What did I eat last night that was bloody?
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I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.
I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms
You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.
You are such a cockblock sometimes
You NEED a cockblock sometimes
theres chocolate ground into my couch, nerds candy all over the floor and cocaine on every surface. great memorial day weekend and yours?
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.......The other day I peed on him in the shower....he was trying to touch my boobs and I wanted my space.
The problem with drugs is that there's none in this hotel
The problem with drugs is that showing my boobs only gets so much of them
I just got high and swiffered the bathroom floor....2 for 2 on brilliant life ideas
She texted me this morning asking why all of her house pillows were inside her mini-van.
So thats where i built my buckingham palace
yeah the highlight of my day was the 911 operator telling me they had frantically been trying to figure out where i was
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
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