mustard is like jesus in yellow tights
they had a keg party to fund her abortion.
I just made $100 from people paying me not to get naked at the party... I need those P90X dvds
im trying to catch a child molester. call you later.
they told me her nickname is "wizard sleeve"
pick me up NOW
My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.
You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day
i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.
Are you high right now?
is that a question or a drake reference?
I'm drunk, laying in bed, eating macaroni salad. I dropped a piece and tried to pick it up with a fork. My cleavage is bleeding and I haven't been laid yet. Heeeyyyy!!!
Do one night stands count towards my number?
Yes. A penis is a penis
Even bad ones?
YES.
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
I'm wine drunk & this is not good news for anybody
You think my vibrator will be okay in the dishwasher?
the person she was housesitting for had a christmas card from charlie sheen on the fridge so we fucked on the couch and just slept in the bed
Randomize
