I had a long pep-talk with my penis that ended in "I love you, I'll try harder and I'm sorry."
How do I say "sorry I gave you and your sister herpes" in German?
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.
Rainbow fish was a wild success, got wasted at 6 gave away most my scales and made out with max from where the wild things are.You'd be so proud
Hey Kellie. Me putting. My face intebetaeen ut your boobs made my night
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
I left the brick of cheese in your car! Keep it at Moderate Temp! It's my precious!
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
Currently on my Sunday walk of shame. Should I go to church?
Something like, "Merry Christmas. I hope Santa shits in your mouth."?
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