I'm a simple man, with a social life most psychopaths would cringe at
god please explain to me why there's blood underneath my fingernails AND toenails?!?!
Dude To be completely honest I don't think you want me to.
I'm starting a business if you want to get involved
oh boy
Its called Cut N Tugs, haircuts with happy endings
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.
I've been thinking about it and if we ever have a threesome it'll start off with us clothed solely in our matching fur vests
i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.
I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch
I think I sprained my soul last night
I am going to dream of scrotums tonight, I just know it.
He tried to take a picture of me naked but only got my ass. I don't know his name but if my butt is a guys wallpaper, that's the one I boned.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
My parents worry about me having parties when they go on vacation. Umm no it just means I'm drinking and smoking alone on the first floor of the house instead of the second
Hashtag Pathetic
Who knew sons of strippers would be really feminist boyfriends?
You woke up at like 4 in the morning fell off your bunk bead, yelled at Nic for asking if you were ok, walked to the kitchen, pissed on the keg, and then looked at me and said "Still not worth it" then went back to bed.
Randomize
