I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!
We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks
porn bloobers exist! never have i laughed so hard while jerking off!
it's like, God thought about making her pretty then changed his mind at the last second
I saw Winona at my church today. She has boobs, now.
Miracles do happen.
What is the protocol for an "i'm sorry I had my ex retrieve me from the bar so I didn't drive drunk" blow job
I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
Can you send me the pictures of me riding the penis
Today was brought to you by the letter B for beer and bourbon and the number fuck you I'm meant to be studying not hungover
I had 2 shots but she spilt one on me. Kinda mad but kinda grateful
I have to sleep with him. We're too much alike. It's like clash of the titans, except instead of clashing, he's putting it in me.
How much weed can I reasonably smoke now if I have to leave for work in a bit over an hour
Randomize
