You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
Just bought myself a coach diaper bag. I thought it would be perfect for school. the baby bottle holders are where i'm gonna put my booze
she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"
You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.
But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.
like when he blacked out and we found him in the garden eating your tomatoes off the vine
It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Getting up is taking longer than anticipated. Alcoholic fish bowls have made getting out of bed a multitstep process.
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
What's the right thing to say when he sends me a picture of his penis ?
Do you have any need for a scary clown mask?
I basically have sex lined up for me in three different countries. If that's not a feat I don't know what is
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
Don't make me do math I'm drunk and full of chicken
Randomize
