Far right against the wall..hiding come find me. dont tell oyhers hahaha
I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
I don't know what happened to get you in this mentality. This time last year your were ass up on a hotel bathroom counter getting licked by a stranger.
Woke up to the sound of my own moans coming from the tv....evidently it was videotaped.
I should have known I was in trouble when you started pouring shots all over me
Pretty sure encouraging you to sleep with 2 different girls while keeping you in the good graces of both has lost me the ability to call myself a woman. But that's just the kind of friend I am; dedicated.
Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
When she saw "buy condoms" on my to do list she figured out pretty quick we were breaking up.
I feel like I lost a fight with an 800 lb gorilla made of tequila
fyi my negative pregnancy test is taped to the fridge...i'll take it over an A+ any day. be proud.
I was simply suggesting that you really should try coke bondage sex.
And then I woke you by humping you to Lionel Ritchie.
So many questions...the two most important are, where the fuck is my booze and how did you even get the couch through the door?
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
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