I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B
I swear, if I find out you're lying, I'm going to put your name on one of those herpes watch websites and put the link up on every social networking site in existence.
Sex on a trampoline was so worth getting a mosquito bite on my penis
All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."
Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
He was dressed as a cowboy and he was dancing with my ex roommate. So I took his gun and pistol whipped him with it..then somehow we still slept together..
You decided that walking wasn't in the cards for you anymore
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
are you just sitting in your hotel room drinking popsicle vodka?
.....well anything sounds bad when you say it like THAT
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
It was an interesting experience to have sex while there was a triathlon going on right outside my bedroom window because it sounded like everyone is cheering for you in bed.
How supportive!
I mean it's up to you where you want to sleep but I'm telling you you're going to hear us have sex no matter what room you're in.
Fair enough
Sometimes, being an adult means buying a bottle of whiskey after work and live tweeting the commercial breaks on food network.
Randomize
