i either got mauled last night by a velociraptor or an angry lipstick lesbian. could have been both
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs
i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition
My grandma had to be escorted out by police.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
Also, fighting a very strong urge to nickname your dick Whitey Bulger, at least for today.
Too drunk to talk to museum staff. So much for proper wednesdays
Dude I just ripped my new jeans climbing out the window so his booty call wouldn't realize I was home. Being his roommate should come with hazard pay
Had to go see my sisters new baby this morn in the clothes I wore to the rave last night. Still drunk. Almost dropped it. I'll be a good aunt right?
I feel like passing out with my foot on your face has bonded us at a very fundamental level.
you said "how could you not want to hook up with me when I have these abs" and then proceeded to rip your shirt off in the middle of the bar. I'm pretty sure you were hammered.
JESUS
Woke up on the couch with one cowboy boot on and a hat over my crotch. God bless texas.
idk the fact that her roommate had a sign that said "enter without knock, exit without cock" makes me really NOT want to go steal her pot.
I watched my wife kick balloons while wearing thigh highs. It's not a sentence you get to use too often
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