I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober
We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."
Sorry if I'm being weird. I'm dipping doritos in cabernet.
Those motion detector trash cans don't work fast enough to catch puke.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl
Im pretty sure he just said he wants to make a baby with me, but he's pretty shitfaced, so I'm not sure if he knows who I am.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I drunk-cried for all conjoined twins everywhere the other day.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I asked her politely not to touch my dick
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
No she probably looked into my aura and saw that my penis would ruin her.
Can I get that on a shirt
The next time you fuck up, your grandma sees your dick pics
Did you hear about the guy wearing a spiderman mask running around naked with a bottle of patron?
Yeah.
I was spiderman.
And my butt misses you like the deserts miss the rain.
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