Do u think she knows her nickname is the oompa loompa
The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.
My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.
I an in a belgian bar and i cant understand shit. Trying to talk to strangers. Getting drunk until we all speak the same language. Brace for updates.
The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.
Just showered now I smell like berries instead of shame
Get you some cowboy.
In that sentence you are the cowboy. That is not saying you should get a cowboy for yourself.
Just rolled up to a matinee showing of THE HOBBIT. At the dollar theater. Alone. In sweats. With a fifth of sunnybrook and leftover pizza in a ziplock. There's a dude here in cape with his elderly mother. I'm handling this breakup FIIIIIINE.
It was only in the sobering silence of the wilderness on the mountain, after I was too tired to talk anymore and I also didn't want to tell Julian that we were lost, that I realized how super tripped out I had been the entire time...
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
Holy shit dude........stairs
The neighbors in the apartment above us are at it again. The roleplay this time is cop and prostitute. I give it 30 minutes, you? Already sounds better than the last one
A drag queen just ate a dollar out of my ass. I don't know which one of us has hit rock bottom
Randomize
