where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?
Just heard the new 'We are the world' ... Can I get my 10 bucks for Haiti back?
Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.
I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well
I didn't scare your mother by showing up on the roof, did I?
He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.
Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
And I'm glad you're waiting to invite him over. he may have a weird penis thing and then dinner becomes awkward.
the dude in the apartments across the street got a video of me railing blake on your front steps last night
shit like this is why i dont let you drink vodka anymore ..
I don't know man, I woke up and shes here acting like she knows me, wearing my clothes, and scrambling eggs in my kitchen. I don't know her.
You were drinking with me last night, I warned you.
Why does your life consist of lesbians, black guys and cats?
learned the hard way that breakfast jack daniels is a lot stronger than lunch or dinner jack daniels.
My "birthday sex" consisted of approximately 25 seconds of him going down on me in the shower.
It's all fun and games until your mom recognizes your bootycall from 2018 as her attorney
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