Did u pay ur friends to not make fun of me?
Dating a girl 4 years younger than you is like living in a Taylor Swift song...
how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way
you don't.
I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.
remember that guy i blew in a bathroom in barcelona, i just blew him again in rome. lightning does strike twice.
He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."
Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.
I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....
This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.
Before we rave about the healing powers of your penis, remember it nearly killed me as well.
I spent the money she owed me on enough magnum condoms to make a blimp. Damn right I'm going to make the best of it.
Something like that. Healthy diet of beer, ranch sunflower seeds and sex keeps me young.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I wish drunk me came with subtitles
We have moved from phase 1: honeymoon, to phase 2: trapped in relationship until the cold embrace of death
She thought I was dancing but I just couldn't catch my balance for 11 blocks.
Apparently someone was hiding in a storm drain dressed as Pennywise from it and offering passersby free penis enlargement pills.
Randomize
