I was born with a shot glass in my hand
I called her a whore. 15 minutes later she gave me head at arby's while i was eating a roast beef. best afternoon ever
Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.
It was really weird walking into a CVS and not going straight to the pharmacy for plan B.
He was just lying on my lap in the backseat screaming how if the cops came he was a blanket.
I remember looking at his body and thinking wow you have a body sculpted by Jesus himself. Still not sure if I said that out loud or not
I just wrote a love letter to my weed and texted it to my cousin. I can't say it any differently. It happened.
This mustache is awesome. I can't pass by a mirror without looking in it and thinking damn, I'd like to give that guy a handy.
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
I knocked over his glass and he yelled "Oh no the boxed wine!" and slurped it off the coffee table. Then he showed me how to mix maple syrup, Jameson, and coffee. My family is better than your family.
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