I'm pretty sure I have jizz on the back of the dress I wore to church. Awesome.
I am now the proud owner of a 10-12 year old's Optimus Prime costume from Walmart. Tomorrow is going to be a good day.
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
literally hosing herself off in my back yard with the hose. i offered her the shower but she refused. that drunk.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.
Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
Hey do you have any hot friends that would settle for less?
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
I just wanna be able to fart and do my homework but he won't leave
Do you have pictures of my pancakes
I need to show the world
They are the pancake equivalent of eventual wife
I slept naked with a towel wrapped around my waist in case I pissed the bed again
As if I didn't already know that I was in the friend zone, our conversation that included the words "kiddo" and "old friend" really was a knee biter.
This wouldn't be the first time my boss has seen me topless
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