Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
I AM SUCH A BETTER PERSON ON DRUGS
oh my god. separately texting an Allie and an Ally while drunk is hard, and I'm climbed 1/2 way up a bridge pier.
Started with us just having a beer. Now Ivan lit a torch to walk to the store, Ben smashed a 26 in the parking lot, and they're throwing broken shot glasses. Fratio Friday is something.
I'm pretty sure that if I didn't have a gerbil with a shotgun in my uterus I would think i was knocked up cuz all I want is hot sauce
one renamed every person in my phone 'I lpvw tewqils', so it would really help me out if you could text me your name. Happy sunday!
Texas awaits me. And all the cocks that live there too.
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
I encourage you to ignore feeling. Drinking more helps
And, omg, my eyelids are on fire. I think the internet let me down. :(
Headphones came off my phone same time as The Weeknd sang "Who's gonna fuck you like me?"...Everyone at work heard it.
I know you just got bad medical news... But want some moonshine?
Randomize