I'm in that stage of denial where I hope our kids have his nose.
You do realize that you broke up with him, right?
i just saw a woman using her birth control packet as a wallet.
hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?
nope, you were tallying rejections at the party
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
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it's a gatorade, cheez its, and regret kind of morning....
Listening to my boss get blown in the next room by a male bartender from the gay bar. And watching pawnstars. Tell me I'm not the best wingman ever.
I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.
I mean Grimace is basically just a big piece of purple shit and he is loved way more than the hamburglar just to put it into perspective
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Vodka?
Forever.
You forgot the part where I played Slip and Slide with my own puke and fucked up my knee.
I just heard myself say the sentence "I'm gonna go to the bank then take a nap". 8 year old me just slapped my present self through the space-time continuum for being an old fuck.
Nothing says "First Single Holidays" quite like getting baked with the guy that took your virginity four years ago.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
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