i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
you can feel better about your life now. i slept with a guy who has gold teeth
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
I have random bruises including my spine and visible bite marks on my neck. Thanksgiving car sex accomplished.
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
My pubic hair is shaved into the shape of mistletoe.
I hope that's a joke and if not I need a snap of it
Oh man 11pm. That means it's time to take my shirt off an eat a brownie
Being hungover in this office is the actual worst. Like they look at me and know I was wasted at 1 am, karaokeing Billy Idol at a gay bar.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
Randomize
