dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.
I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.
Do you think the Slutcracker will use the original score? I'll be so sad if they don't.
Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy
its safe to say i can delete the contact in my phone "brandon random bus make out" from spring break right?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
I have six drafts of messages to you that just say "blood" and I have no idea where they came from.
I feel like somebody took my brain out. Stomped on it with cleats. And then put it back together with a glue stick. Thank you.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
After the Jell-o shots and about 6 shots of lighter fluid brand tequila, it got to the point where breathing was painful. All I could do was pray I didn't fall asleep in the front yard.
You told me to keep you from drinking, but we both know I'm not that kind of friend.
It kind if looked like a strap-on dressed up for Halloween.
I think even the taco bell employees judged me
He went down on me and then made me breakfast in bed. He's a man you can bring home to mom.
The frequency with which I change my vibrator batteries is getting a little ridiculous....
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