can you have the cops turn on the gps locator on my phone...i just woke up in a Hooters uniform and I have no idea where I am...
Literally like 10 people walking in my building talking about how much they hate draco
Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.
Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Is it sad I don't want to go buy $1 Mac-n-cheese cause I need to pay rent... I'm re-naming this college.
Also, peanut butter on a spoon dinner is back in existence and it is good.
Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.
i had a super strange, mommy/daddy issuestastic, mildly freudian, i-might-as-well-become-a-stripper-now-and-stop-fighting-the-inevitable dream last night :(
What good is being a girl if you can't terrorize boys with pregnancy scares??
Just please don't close your legs while I'm down there again. I don't want my death to be labeled as "Head crushed while giving an individual cunnilingus".
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
if having to see my ex’s dick once in a while is the price I pay to the universe for making my life go a little smoother, I’ll take it
I feel like I got hit by a car. But a small car, like a Beetle or a Mini or something.
Randomize
