Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.
I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now
I feel like when purchasing hard liquor on a Monday I also need to buy a happy 21st bday card to not seem so pathetic
The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.
The night went downhill when he lit her purse on fire and tried putting it out with vodka
I drank half a bottle of wine while watching the Olympics opening ceremonies. I catcalled at handsome athletes. Stop me.
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
WELP I KNOW THE HAPPY HOUR DRINKS WERE GOOD BECAUSE MOM JUST INFORMED ME I AM THE RESULT OF POKED HOLE IN THE DIAPHRAGM
... Okay, fine. But I don't want to be a better person tonight. I'll be a better person tomorrow.
I think you might be the first man ever to describe getting a blowjob as "neat"
The sad moment you remember you have no power for a week and can't flush.....
Wrong number bro but that sounds like a damn shame.
Randomize
