genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke
im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
there COULD be a gas leak in our house... proceeding to smoke with extreme caution...
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
Tried to dodge fire in poncho. Fell through fence. Blood everywhere.
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He told me he deactivated his facebook because his girlfriend caught him wackin it to my profile picture.
10 points to you
I just duct taped myself into my costume. I apologize in advance if you find me in a compromised position involving duct tape and underwear when you get home tonight
today i was walking through gramercy with a dress bag from David's Bridal and a bag of McDonald's. No guy would make eye contact with me as I scarfed down my fries. I think I was mankind's walking night terror.
SERIOUSLY WHY DOES EVERYONE INSIST THAT THEY NEED TO SEE MY BOOBS
Because there's a shortage of perfect breasts in this world. You should start charging for viewings.
I also just stashed a half dozen bobby pins in my bra.... So when you take it off later, consider yourself warned
He left weed in my bong for me this morning. What a guy.
I texted him "my vagina is pounding for you"
I know, you made me proof read it.
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