Yeah I gave the girl a dirty look. And only a three dollar tip.
I just queefed in yoga class and now the old man next to me is smiling at me.
He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?
Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."
If they weren't representing Obama and the White House, they definitely would've punched me in the face.
I just want to know how she convinced 6 sober ROTC guys to have an ab contest on a street corner at 2 in the morning.
I'm standing at the bottom of the driveway w a sign that says plow me
Mimosa dick, like his cousin Whiskey dick, is just as ineffective but a lot more fun to be around
That time we were having sex when you were super drunk, I kept yelling out, "Oh God," and you said, "You're going to need him after this." Idk why I suddenly thought of that.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
I didn't think I was even that high but when we were standing in the cop car's headlights I totally forgot how to use my arms
Now all I want to do is stay up, drink wine, and look at dragons.
You're the third Mark I've fucked in that bed.
Randomize
