Calvin and Hobbes are double-teaming a butterfly. They're in the bathroom, and drawing a crowd.
my mom just asked me what a queef is. she needs to stop watching south park
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
i was driving around baked, windows down jamming to third eye blind and eating grapes for 35 minutes before i remembered why i left my house
stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation
I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.
Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
He raised his arm and dropped it in his sleep to smack himself awake. He knows his phone has an alarm clock right?
HE'S EATING THE CONFETTI. STOP HIM NOW.
"Wine night with the girls" turned into me having to set an alarm in the bathtub this morning...
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
Looks like it rained condoms in my room last night
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