3:40 am: you never wrote back on my facebook wall
I'm pounding a vodka drink as we speak to make her interesting
AIM automatically accepts video chats on my laptop. I found this out when I got a text from Jacob after my first attempt at drunk lesbian sex saying, "I'd give it a 7. You need to work on your positioning." I think I'm single now.
im in Michaels with rachel and i see a little boy jumping around and waving a rainbow pompom. Welcome to our team little one
i told him my stretch marks were scars from a jellyfish sting........he totally bought it
Good thing I was dressed to impress in my "I went nuclear on my wings" shirt even the girls are making out and I'm still 7th wheeling it...
Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay
Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.
OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.
I drove 5 hours to see her. She thanked me by getting shitfaced, inviting her boyfriend over, and making me sleep on the couch after I cooked for them and did the dishes. You're right. I'm a fucking doormat.
Hey, is this going to be a real date, or am I just meeting you at a hotel to have sex in the bathroom? Given our history, I think it's a fair question.
And after we were done he said "Let's play a game! Who can find their clothes first"
YOU WOULD BE SEEING ME. IN MY KITCHEN. BENDING OVER MY OVEN. MAKING YOU CAKE.
Wait, that's an option?
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Anything special planned for Valentines Day?
Does testing the strength of my coworker’s marriage count?
Randomize
