I'm so hungover i just sang the alphabet to see if "Z" comes after "W"
Did we have sex last night or did we just wake up naked covered in oil?
Turns out vomit takes off spray tan.
I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"
Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I remember three things: you falling down an entire flight of stairs, me stripping out of your Christmas one-sie to do cartwheels in my underwear, and people standing above me saying, "where did that bump on her head come from?"
Also, I was told I kept the antlers on the entire time. I'm deeming last night a success.
How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.
That's what you get for dating construction workers you meet in tunnels.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
In case you're wondering what eggs stolen from an elementary school's chicken coop taste like, delicious. Delicious is what they taste like.
I ate shrooms on a frozen river in an ice fishing shack after a day of vics and beer and walked around on the river in a stupor. They made me bite the head off of a fish.
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
Why is there a mildly painful bruise on my back?
You slipped off the sink last night.
Why was I on the sink......?
;)
I may or may not be drunker than time right now.
ill let you put your finger in a lot of things. but a ring is not one of them.
Randomize
