He is fucking rediculously sexy. DO HIM NOW. NOW. NOW. NOW.
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense
Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends
I sent him a pic of my tits.. All he said was, "oh your sun burn"
When you called me you were telling a hobo that you couldn't spare ten bucks bc that was your beer money. All your words were slurred.
Fuck him.
Well, I made it all the way to the gas station. And from there, I begged a cab driver who was parked outside, to give me a piggy back ride the final 2 blocks to my apartment. I wasn't in the cab. Didn't have to pay. Drunk me is smart, and very lazy.
but seriously, if you see a redhead running down the street tonight in a carrot costume, call 911. He's tripping hard.
You're a goddess. Probably of destruction and dick jokes, or some shit, but man, lesser bitches wish they could be half as fab.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
It's the never-ending clusterfuck that is my love life
Really need a jack off emoji
Who do we write to about that?
Explain to me again why I'm doing the walk of shame if we fucked at my house?
She did NOT find it funny to come upstairs to find me with the word "MISERY" written on my forehead in magic marker and the label to the vodka bottle replaced with a scrap of paper taped around that says "COMPANY"
If my body were a person, it would be beating the shit out of me for what I did to it last night.
Randomize
