our cab driver is having phone sex.
i am positive it's ok to drink. it's just pieces of the plastic knife i forgot was in the blender.
And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.
Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
this whole plan B standoff thing with her is really starting to make me nervous
He's going to regret telling me he doesn't care if i shave or not...
one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.
You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.
Remind me never to take that much Vicodin ever again. I laid in bed measuring my heart rate for an hour and a half because I was afraid it would stop.
Crying in the liquor store is not a good look
My sheer presence has sent the hipsters running in terror. I expect no problems.
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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