He had a stripper pole in his bedroom. I didn't know whether to be impressed or creeped out.
U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"
there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.
Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.
I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.
I believe I can fly has to be one of the most inspirational songs of our time. Seriously R. Kelly nailed it
Then he went and peed on those teenagers.
you never know what sharing a kayak could lead to
It's true
So drunk I thought the door was feeling me up for a seconds
HOCKEY BUTTS AND BASEBALL BUTTS HONESTLY DO SOMETHING TO ME
I shaved my entire vagina for a man who had the personality of a potato and a C- orgasm. Life is a series of disappointments.
I remember eating bacon bits off your chest that night... I'll never look at bacon pizza the same way
I fell into the fireplace. That is a pretty good sign to stop drinking fireball
I FUCKED WHEELCHAIR DUDE
HE'S INTO WEIRD SHIT
GOOD KIND OF WEIRD SHIT
Omg i got really stoned and used a makeup app on my grandma...well, I’m definitely not adopted
You know the rule about how you feel bad for getting food and not offering other people you're around, does that apply when you eat burger king at a strip club?
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