im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.
i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks
thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"
Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
God dammit not the cupcake channel. Not when I'm high.
Is it weird that the cop that arrested me called me twice to tell me that I left my ring at the police station
Dude a gay guy just Sparta kicked this Samoan guy for calling him a flamer you need to get down here the free kamakazee shots haven't even started yet
I spent the morning naked in her roommates closet because her parents decided to come over after church..
Finally get to put my practical writing degree to use! I'm writing a craigslist ad for a threesome
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
To the woman who just heard me unscrew my flask in the Denny's women's bathroom at 10am: discretion isn't required but greatly appreciated.
Did you at least share?
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
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