Todays lesson: Chew your food better when your drunk. I almost choked throwing up this morning.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
Im drinking in homer but I guess Egan got arrestest on an "assault by water ballon" charge but tom actually threw the water balloon in question at the bartender.
He told me to fuck off at some point in the night. I think it was right before he jumped out of a moving car trying to get to another bar and made Abby cry.
If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
Just had a guy try to pull the maraca out of my shirt with his teeth... Wtf
I swear you won't find cereal in your washer machine again.
I just hope the day something happens to me my phone just dies, like literally died and will never turn on ever again. I feel like God owes me that much.
Woke up in a hotel room with some random guy then walked over a mile to the bus stop where I laid down and waited on the bus. GREAT NIGHT
Like, I don't need to know your life dude. I just need you to suck my tits.
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
I don’t know what he is but he sure can suck a lollipop.
I think the heterosexuals across the hall are negotiating about breeding. How do I figure out which one is against it and back them up?
Randomize
