i was so drunk i stopped mid-blowjob to make sure he i was with my boyfriend and not some random. twice.
I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.
Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.
I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
He's gotta be able to drive a truck, make me mac n cheese and give me the best orgasms. That's my perfect man
Of course I will... FYI I just gave my balls a crew cut.
Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
I have six new people in my phone that I don't remember adding. One of them is "Bourbon Yeah." Successful evening?
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
I'm fucking my way through California and it's kind of fun.
So my balls are accidently making an appearance on snapchat
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
Randomize
