do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?
Dear tim. Christina farted and it smells like kid roses.
Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.
i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
epic walk of shame this morning involving 2 subway transfers. I need to start sexing locally.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.
I dont know if you relize this but ive been high ly medicated in my room for a whil now. GOing out into the real world would make me li ke tom ha nks. im not ready to be tom hanks..
He just texted me asking if I remember pinching his eyelid shut with my eyelash curler.
Go christen that room with your naked body.
Gays age differently than straights. 29 is like 45 in gay years. Next year I'll be in adult diapers and applying for medicaid.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
Good dick will make you do a lot of things… Great dick will make you consider buying a house.
I'm currently in a U-Haul truck right now. Going to a party. I hate myself.
just to let you know, that was probably the funniest text i've ever received.
I suppose that kind of helps fill the void where my self respect used to be.
Drunk me says 72 hours of Mexican Viagra and room service.Sober me says we stopped being lovers for a reason after the last lost weekend.
Randomize
