How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?
4.
the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms
I knew we were gonna fuck after she told me she's seen that Porno before
I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.
Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.
Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.
She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.
I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?
I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up
sooo the guy I beat last night in strip pong is the manager's husband at my new job...
Totally just made a post sex emergency cupcake run. My life is awesome.
GO RIDE HIS EYEBROWS INTO THE SUNSET
hey man , the girl you brought home last night is in the kitchen puking in the sink and asking if she can have more shots of Whiskey....think i should give her a shot glass or send her home....
Just got an exam care package consisting of only adderall wrapped in money. Score one for mom.
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
Randomize
