Did I ever tell you that the first person i made out with cried?
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
After he proceded to violently molest my tits until 9 am i snuck out of his room only to meet his mother downstairs, who informed me she heard the giant sexfest going on in the room next to them.. this was before she called us both "chickenshits".. worst walk of shame ever.
she asked me if i wanted her to take her wedding ring off while she was giving me a handjob.
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
spring break forecast: sunny with a chance of shitshow
im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.
Any time you can't remember a night, and you wake up in a sorority house, it's fucking worth it.
So he's compensating for a really small penis. Either that or he's a drug lord.
You left something at the house but since I'm back home now so I can just mail it over. Address?
I didn't realize you could put dignity in a box these days.
I really like your cover photo on fb that looks cool
In case birth mom friends me back, thought I should make it less drunk looking.
It's like jay gatsby himself preordained that our genitals meet again.
every day is bullshit and fuck everyone. That's my motto for the week
So the door man at the local dispensary started giving me motivational talks about my beard...
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
Randomize
