Pissed on my Blackberry at the Astros game. Wish me luck explaining that one at work.
Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win
I drank myself into bisexuality again.
do you think if she looks enough like a dude i have to come out to my parents?
you dont understand this isnt a sit at a sports bar eating wings and having a beer night. this is a show up to the bar with a fith of Jack and just let what happens happen kinda night. im expecting to smack a bouncer
Ok let me change into clothes i can run in
This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.
You got called a pussy at a party with a slow cooker, you can't let that shit slide
I want to be your penis for a week.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
Dude your life.. At your sugar daddies house sending nudes to your fwb
hi I'm Emily and I thoroughly enjoy getting minors hammered.. I'll start my AA intro just like that.
I never thought in a million years that I would have a threesome with my boss and his wife and yet here we are.
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
Hypothetically speaking...if I was arrested in Wisconsin, say Kenosha county, would you post my bail all the way from Oregon? If yes, will you also accept my collect call in t-minus 13 hours?
I am drunkenly riding a razor scooter up and down the hills of Cincinnati
What in the fuck are you doing with your life
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