Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids
Ahaha, good shit
So i got in my car, the seats are leaned back, and soft soul music is playing. Wtf happened last night.
I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.
My mom is pretending to be Paula Deen while making breakfast...I'm pretty sure she's sober.
I am literally hand feeding my crying ex boyfriend taco bell. What has my life become?
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.
Sorry the STD update turned into an attempt at a bootycall, but at least we both know we're clean now
I'm on a mission. But just to make out with him so his relationship collapses and he is single when I come back in April.
I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire
Jacked up my neck and shoulder hanging on for dear life while I rode him like a boss. Plus my house smells like broccoli, bad! How's YOUR morning?
He is asleep with his dick hanging out of my my little pony pajamas. I am required to wake this man up by blowjob
Your sexual fantasies often terrify me but get a pic
Chicks before dicks must only mean American dicks
My cat took a shit on the guy who passed out in the bathtub
Just did coke off my highschool yearbook. Not much has changed in 5 years.
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