you won't ask to borrow his earbuds because you think it's gross, but you'll have sex with him?
I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already
My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Plans for halloween need to outrank Caesar, Cleopatra and Mark Antony's threesome...just saying
Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate
I made a side by side comparison of her Facebook pic and the chick on the anti meth billboards. Plus a ven diagram showing mostly shared physical attributes. I sent u the PowerPoint. You were sufficiently warned.
HIV testing and a light brunch. Sounds like a great way to spend Christmas Eve.
Maybe you'll have a Christmas miracle
Peanut butter fills the cracks of my heart
yeah, I don't think I'm getting into the baseball game tonight. The security guard definitely saw me bowl over that child.
Get my husband this drunk again I will rip off your balls off with my bare hands and then cut them up with a dirty axe like fish bits. Do you understand me? DO YOU UNDERSTAND ME?! See you at breakfast, FUCK FACE. I'll shove that bottle of Jamison so far up your ass you'll still be praying in 2020 you can take a shit! Seriously, you make it hard to be your best friend.
We cuddled after till the morning. Then he woke up sober... and straight.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
This is me trying to take a picture to send to grandma. At 4. We were trying to look sober.
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
Randomize
