You are the one person I know will appreciate this- and I'm aware that its nearly 5 am- but I have 3 words... G spot orgasm. BE JEALOUS
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
He just spent five minutes trying to sling shot a cheese-it off his dick and into my mouth.
Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.
he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?
I think the imperative here is that I literally knocked down a sorority house with the force of my dick.
i really regret not blowing your cousin before he went to jail
So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?
Totally sleeping on a bloodstained mattress tonight. I love life's little adventures.
What's up with the fire hydrant in the laundry room?
This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
I did a kegel this morning to determine if I had been penetrated during last night's blackout. Nope.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
location: under the moon. please find me. need ride home.
Randomize
