I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..
I feel like that needs to be the last time i end a text with "fuck them i love tequila".
We are, if nothing else, classy enough to leave our 10 mini bottles of wine in a polite line on the floor of the movie theater.
So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?
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Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
We're going as conductors of the hot mess train and nobody rides for free
Our tip jar will say "just put the tip in, see how it feels"
Had weird bad dreams about you last night. Please tell me you didn't google my real surname and that you don't go to a needle exchange.
fuck you
also please return my underwear, they were one of my favourite pairs xo
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I've scurried myself in your trunk come find me in the morning
God doesn't care if you're a paramedic, you can't do that to someones cat and still get into heaven
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
We're sort of like brothers. Except with more sexual tension. And we don't look alike. Or are related.
So we're not much like brothers really.
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
I feel like that japanese guy who ate all the hotdogs. Except replace hotdogs with sailor jerrys. And instead of a trophy and world record I just get a hangover at work
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