I'm at a crab and wine festival with my dad. He just introduced me as his girlfriend to all of his co-workers. I am so drunk I thought he was serious.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
when did we get so old that our friends started having LEGITIMATE children?
I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.
A drawer in my room has nothing but a large feather quill, a wine glass, and a 15" Bowie knife. If you could put my life in a drawer I think that would be it.
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
The memory of your penis haunts me. I must learn to be satisfied with lesser men than you.
You told the bartender at least five times that you were naming your son "Jagermeister" but you would use the bartender's name "Fernando" as his middle name. You were drunk.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I just don't wanna be that girl with no ride and no pants
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
I either have food poisoning or I'm pregnant. Either way, I NEED JESUS!
He woke me with blue berry pancakes and a blow job. He's a keeper.
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