So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.
Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season
I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.
Apparently she buried shit in the snow back in January and now that it's melted I found a flip flop, 4 spoons, a bottle of smirnoff, and 14 different candy bars
there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears
And tan into my neighbor in the elevator. She was going to the gym. I was covered in mascara and dog hair eating a hash brown
The pee I just pissed was about 7% better than the one at your house. But both are pretty far up there.
You said "I'm not gonna waste my last condom on you" last night.
Not sure who they are or where we're going but they just bought me 3 tacos so I'm staying.
I got so drunk last night that I was drunk in my dream. Good night
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