I think my plan to not drink this week was just ruined by my mothers discovery of the chat function on facebook
Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.
Grandpa would have been proud
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.
Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex
Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.
Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.
God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.
I can never have sex in Utah again. The altitude had me breathing like a fat kid going up stairs.
I went out with a plan. I came home with a Brian. THIS WAS NOT PART OF THE PLAN.
Currently looking up Winnie-the-Pooh porn.
Wait, but now I'm curious. In what position were y'all when the cops came? Were you guys butt ass naked in the car? 😂😂
OH MY GOD MY UBER DRIVER IS PEEING BEHIND A DUMPSTER
Still got in the car though
We’ve discussed sex and dinner. Like chicken nuggets while doing it doggie and watching tv.
My ex's sister asked me to be her date to Thanksgiving. Should I go?
Threesome!
Randomize
