Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.
Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.
She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.
Aren't divorce parties fun?
You and I have very different definitions of fun.
Just deleted any ex boyfriends and potential lovers from my phone in preparation for Vegas...
I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.
i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.
There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.
I ran into the bouncer who kicked me out of that beach bar a few months ago. I told him I'd only been thrown out of two other places since then. He was proud.
Please root for the ravens. I now have oral sex riding on this and it's been sooooo long
Think of something healthy and responsible. Now think of the exact opposite, let's do the latter
Lack of response to this text gains you a half hour of freedom before I initiate operations to conclude you are not, in fact, comatose. You requested no mercy.
I lost my bra at his grandma's house so there's that.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
She is carving a little coffin out of some wood for her hamster that died. I'm flying home tonight.
No idea but I'm preparing for 4 tequila shots and tons of vomit
Just waxed 95% of the hair off my vag. If he doesn't enjoy this tonight, you will, whether you like it or not.
Randomize
