When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with
Come see our sink grown plant.
I'm crawling around naked in my room looking for my hairbrush. Just thought I'd put that image in your head.
I just found a video on my phone from last night of you yelling, "you can't fuck me!" at least 20 times
Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.
The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.
i just want to be sober by dinner like is that too much to ask
Your clever response has earned you a blow job this week
That's crazy. Wow that lady must be fucked up
Yeah I hope she's okay.
I'm still going to fuck her husband but I do hope she's okay.
I made him cum so hard he couldn't play video games for like an hour. I've never been more proud of myself.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
I am pretty great at coffee and mistakes
I dropped a piece of Mac and cheese in the shower and I almost still ate it. Stoned, but not stoned enough to degrade myself.
Randomize
