i just made an omelette with the cheese and ham from a lunchables. and ketchup packets
julia child would be proud.
I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp
she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game
He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".
walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined
he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day
sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.
I'm pretty sure we scarred one of our coworkers. This is the second time he has caught us both fully undressed and banging at work.
Either he has bad timing or he wants to join.
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
Nope, had to pee on the side got violated by tall grass. Then someone came around the corner and I had to stop mid pee to dive into the car.. Pants down
I decided to start over my porn collection by deleting the old stuff. That was a sad piece of a pie chart...
Dude, tumbleweeds have been rolling through my bed lately. This is my dryest dry spell since I was married.
Dealing with people is so much easier after you've had an orgasm or 4.
Doing shots with my high school valedictorian. Bucket list
where are my pants?
in the oven.
We lost you in the bar so we waited outside for you...next thing you know you kick open the doors and yell "I'M ALIVE"
Randomize
