I just woke up under a kitchen table with my sandals taped to my feet and a corona bottle taped to my hand..
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.
You were convinced you would hurt my car if you opened the door. Then you barfed in the pretzle bucket Peter gave you
It's a "party harder or raise your standards" kind if night.
I got stoned and explored ice caves with a guy who photographs dildos for a living. I win.
I swear, when I turn 21 in four months, I'm going to carry a flask around with me, and make a drinking game out of everything.
the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.
He just snapchatted me a blank snap that said "miss our sex" Vagina game too strong
I may or may not have tried to give myself a lobotomy
three of my fingers are bleeding and the only thing on my phone rn is a google search of 'Allison Janney'
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
The usual, icing my vag with a chimichanga.
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Randomize
