So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud
Kristen just told everyone at the bar that I've got a huge dick, now Brittany is giving me the eye. What is the opposite of FML?
We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.
They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.
I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.
I think the main reason you were throwing up so much was the quart of soap you chugged trying to burp bubbles. you came close
Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.
It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.
I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
I've decided it's okay if I take a pregnancy test every month. Then I can be like, "Good job, self, way to not procreate this month!"
Randomize
