he has a girlfriend so we used my stuffed animals to pretend to have sex
Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.
just paid a stripper to have a minute conversation about the arizona game WTF
at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."
youre welcome
What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
Holy shit, Uber is testing a service to summon an ice cream truck.
Bring me the penis of the founder so I may endlessly fellate him. Or cunnalinge. I don't discriminate.
so i might have figured out why that girl isn't talking to me...I'm 90% confident I didn't give her a pillow when she stayed over >.>
That moment when your fucking in an airport bathroom and forget to lock the door. That poor man...scarred forever...
I threw a beer bottle at the bartender and pissed myself. Somehow, I didn't get kicked out.
A check for $9 that I used to buy six boxes of Girl Scout cookies bounced. I think I've hit a new low.
My loniness meter has reached its peak. I just played shadow puppets using my Big Mac on the wall with my cats
You’re about to have a sober threesome with a rando at a Fenway bar?
The end of the friendship was inevitable. I hooked up with her cousin and forgot to mention it to her
Turns out dignity is priceless and Plan B costs $41.09
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