He gave his mom his old phone, and I am SO paranoid
Did you send adult things?
Um. Yes would be the understatement of the year
Their wedding is on my 21st birthday. I fail to see a way that this could end poorly.
You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call
The problem with never associating with your roommate is that you never know if they're dead in their room with the door closed or just gone for the weekend...I sprayed some febreeze just in case.
Just caught my dad doing coke in my bathroom again. Guess whose getting a new car for christmasss.
Guess who just rode home in a cop car?! Your Fav flamingo
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
Well you ended up trying to convince two Greek girls that you were Greek, but failed massively by shouting at them in Spanish, and then almost vomiting after taking way too much snuff. Maybe lay off the guinness next time?
It's something you'd find in the room outside of Ben Carson's sex dungeon
IT'S LIKE LOOKING INTO GOD'S VAGINA!!!!
Random question, what's John-that-we-had-a-threesome-with's phone number? Don't necessarily need the full number, maybe just area code? Think I drunkenly ran into him last night and now I have texts from a John.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Hey how're your balls?
Don't ever let me helicopter again.
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