you got in your car and made the sounds of a NASCAR, then called me on your phone and I was your pit crew. then you apparently you won the race, and THAT'S when you tried to backflip off the top of your car.
you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.
i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky
like hot dogs and buns.
is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?
No thats like a top 10
I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
somebody should make me the poster child for not drinking everclear..
just got a call from a life insurance sellsperson and apparently our xany dealer referenced us. not cool thats breaking the 4th wall
On your day off do you wanna get wine drunk and take a few episodes of Jerry Springer way too seriously with me?
Validation I posted a good pic? The lonely fuckboys send out the booty call signal. Of course I answered the call; Gotham needs its hero.
like I'd leave you in a situation like that..pfft. what kinda friend do you think I am?
...a stoned one.
I TAUGHT HER CAT TO SIT. CATS DON'T FUCKING SIT ON COMMAND. BUT THIS ONE DID!
It's basically my crowning achievement.
I banged a marine last night. No wonder everybody respects them.
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