I seriously need 2 stop fake jacking off in peoples faces at work...the I.T. Guy just showed me the security surveillance tapes.
I'm a terrible person. There are two guys speaking sign language on the metro platform and at first I thought they were drunk and doing a silly dance.
i love how he claims to not know english but when i ask him to come over and fuck me he's all of a sudden fluent
If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
Ok how about tonight me and you get laid together. Same girl. Then she signs our dicks.
As weird as it sounds I would totally be down
Fucking that physical therapist guy was the best decision I ever made.
Like I'm literally drinking whiskey and making a stocking for my cat right now. What. Goes. On.
Reminder: You could have had sex with me while wearing a tiara.
He plays D&D and his dick should be carved out of marble. I think I'm in love.
I will teach you the ways of the ho life, my little gay grasshopper.
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
No I will not paint you for Mardi Gras in town. It is going to rain and you don't need another ID charge
Think i may just have managed the saddest high-five in history. Finished a sudoku and high-fived myself, then looked around for somebody to high five. there was noone. forever alone.
Randomize
