Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.
When I was with my girlfriend I was averaging 1 random hookup a week. In the 2 months I've been single I haven't got any. I think I need her back.
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless
I'm in a waiting room at the hospital - and there's a dude here who is WAY too proud of his urine sample.
I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?
I thought he was having it in Athens. Alright. Have fun. Please save my dignity and refrain from talking about my boobs and sexual "abilities". If I have any. I just feel like they are going to ask. Repeat after me. And repeat it 5 more times. This is going to be the phrase you're going to rely on tonight: "I can neither deny or confirm such actions."
AND WHAT FELONIES DID I MISS OUT ON WHILE SLUMBERING!?
I actually haven't slept with anyone in a while. I think my whore phase is just seasonal.
Mmm. Champagne. Weed. 17 pounds of animal crackers.
I cannot lay down. I will throw up my life and your life and the class hamster I had in third grade.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
WTF. I was 99% sure I went straight home last night. I just woke up hugging a chair, and my tux pocket has a flask filled with what I think is red bull and gatorade. This has to be your doing.
Randomize
