A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women
and parents always said I was only motivated by money. Pfft they forgot vodka.
Why is there an empty beer bottle in the shower?
Why wouldn't there be.
Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I'm eating hummus off of my stomach right now.
Seriously??? You send me boob shots with your husband and kids in them???
Treating myself to outback while reading the entire manual that comes with my birth control in public. Is this what single has come to?
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
I made out with a 40 year old and told her we were dating then got kicked out of a gay bar. This is the day I stop drinking.
Help. Why am I so naked?
I woke up this morning and my house is covered in shredded cheese with my laptop open and a google image search for "awesome shit".
Randomize
