I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name
Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life
Better skin, bigger boobs.. Birth control is INCREASING my chance of getting pregnant because people actually want to have sex with me now.
he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.
No gym. Sooooo hung over. Just puked up the water I drank and it still has ice cubes in it.
it's great music for shaving your balls
Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.
Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?
forgot to tell you your neighbor walked out of her house this morning just as I was leaving shirtless
If you don't turn up on horseback dressed like a highwayman I am not having sex with you today
I'm pretty happy on the couch eating Popeyes and watching Cops so if I go over there you better have drugs left
Come over. We have half a bottle of jumbo champagne left and no boyfriends to slow us down
I just want him to make us coffee. And whack off into the sunset
just had an allergic reaction to my dildo. My life is ruined.
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