god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"
I know I'm really high but I swear I just saw him beating off to his fantasy football roster.
through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.
ill be there in 5.
I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.
Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
Oh wow. I almost tweeted #TweetFromTheBackOfACopCarTuesday but I didn't think it was that appropriate
You should not be allowed to go away on the weekends I plan on getting drunk on. I need someone to stop me from punching this guy in the face. It's simple room mate etiquette.
i just looked at those "hey" messages and i was so confused and then i remembered we were practicing texting with our tongues.
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
Thank you, BTW, for defiling my bed. Glad it was done well.
He woke up to me masturbating during the presidential address. Now he won't stop making jokes.
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I have 2 bottles of wine, a sharpie, and a panda mask and don't have to wake up early. Can u do the math on this?
Randomize
