i'm home, then i'll come over
ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa
nvm.
Should I go home with him even though I know my Run DMC undies have skid marks on them?
His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava
I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?
As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.
We are getting high tomorrow and being statues at the cafeteria. Come find us.
Judging by the garbled spelling in the calendar reminders in my phone, drunk me really wanted sober me to take a pregnancy test today.
He's freaking out just because my cat licked his balls while he was fucking me
I learned so much about myself in that shower.
I was just trying to flirt with James Franco but she kept telling me to take shots out of Ron Burgundy's mouth
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I'll admit it. It was a bad idea to sneak a fart out while she was taking a nap. Can you bring me a pair of underwear from my dresser. Preferably the one with the walruses in party hats one.
I did way too many drugs this past week for having a broken nose #commitment
How do you explain to your kids that you met their mother well you were giving her a gynecological exam??
Just packed vodka and spare underwear into my purse- totally set for watching the hockey with him tonight
Randomize
