I was about to buy asher roth's album and then i realized he was a ginger. can't support
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen
How much cunt could a cunt bag punch if a cunt bag could punch cunt?
seriously i just wanna be friends
pass
smoking weed is really the only logical conclusion to hangovers
I made her cum... she sounded like Ray Romano
Just got a groupon for a segway rental: fireworks segway battle at my house. What say you?
High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.
I don't know how we managed to stay up but we actually sat in front of her open refrigerator for god knows how long while she ate salami straight out of the package with her fingers and I laughed. It was a trainwreck.
My doctor was like "I think adderall is a great choice. It'll definitely benefit you and you say you've taken it before so you'll be fine!" \nAnd I was like "yeah bro, totally"
Just brought out that old CCM hockey helmet. The one covered in sharpie penises with "DRUNK BUCKET" written across the front. The number of tally marks / initials from tonight's drunk stunts alone is equal parts inspiring and alarming.
Drink drank drunk tankkkkn, LETS GO
I just told my mormon professor that I was late because I was getting a STD test... good start to the day.
When he identified himself as captain clitoris i knew my night was fucked.
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