i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
How do you get mayonnaise out of... well jesus it's everywhere, let's start with carpets
she literally hasn't taken the mardi gras beads off in three days. she showered in them. TWICE.
We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.
I have a huge bruise on my thigh that I am 95% sure is due to you repeatedly throwing me over couches.
Masturbating on the clock at work is my specialty.
I'm giving great sideboob & it's being wasted on my parents.
Dude. You stood in a corner laughing your ass off while folding clothes, facing the wall. Yes, they were weed brownies..
If she's over 40, she won't believe you if you say " I'm only going to put the head in"
As you passed out you started to cry and say "Mufasa" over and over again making everyone else cry.
Dude, putting on underwear straight out of the dryer is the greatest thing ever. It feels like I wrapped my vagina in a warm blanket.
I jus want to remember tomorrow how proud I was tonight for wearing my rainbow leggings as a long sleeved shrug I feel like fucking MacGuyver
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
Alone, in the dark, eating tacos and drinking vodka. Who's apartment is this?
Did you at least know who's jizz it was?
That is questionable.
Randomize
